Different People, Different Needs

What happens when one partner has a sexual request and the other has no interest in indulging it? This common couples issue is at the core of many arguments, disappointments, and long-term resentments. After all, no matter which way it goes, one person ends up doing something they might not want to.

What are some of the most common contentious requests? Coming from men, it's the desire for more frequent sex and a hungering for the taboo, like anal sex or threesomes. Among women, more oral sex and foreplay are often hankered for. Compromise is the key to a good relationship. But where sex is concerned, desire and frustration can mix for a potent blend.

I tell every couple that hopefully you have worked out your sexual tastes before you make a lifelong commitment. Not that things can't change -- but going into a lifelong relationship when one person has totally different sexual interests than the other is never good. Down the road, sex becomes more a matter of quid pro quo than a naturally enjoyable experience. Negotiating your sex life as if it were a power struggle takes the passion right out of it.

If you find yourself in the position where one of you wants more sex or a different kind of sex and the other isn't feeling it, take the middle road. Do something else that will flip his switch: masturbate for him, buy lingerie that you know weakens him in the knees, or get schooled on a great new sex technique. If you're the one begging for something that's not coming, create a shared fantasy for the two of you to act out. You'll still get your rocks off, maybe just in a different way than you originally imagined. Just don't let yourselves get stuck at "no."